For as long as I can remember I had a pit in my chest, a feeling of heat, pressure, and discomfort. I never knew why, I just knew it was there. People always described me as a happy, easy going child. Never making ripples in the already hectic waters. I remember vividly when I was about 9 another girl my age, who I always looked at as popular, was at a birthday party I was at. I was being my lighthearted self and she asked me, “How can you be happy all the time?”. I was confused by the question, and taken back. I replied, “I dont know, I just am”. It always made me so sad to think of a 9 year old being so self aware to ask such a question. What was she battling? What was I hiding?
It wasn’t until I was older I realized that I had been under tremendous stress as a child. That I developed anxiety, bouts of depression, OCD and perfectionism as a way of surviving. They were always so hidden under the surface and such a way of life I never fully realized it. Not until I was with my now husband, who has combat related PTSD, did my trauma start really getting exposed. His trauma started to open up my internal wounds. All my symptoms became even more exaggerated. I was more anxious and depressed than I could remember being. It took many years to finally connect it to my adolescence and realize, wow I have always been an anxious person. I started thinking why would this be? What did my family environment provide or lack that created me to possess these traits and what can I do to help process it and move on?
Trauma Survivors 