Trauma Colored Glasses

Have you ever tried to help a family member or friend recognize they were making questionable decisions but they didn’t understand? You warned them that they were headed down a rough road, but they were comfortable with the world their rose colored glasses presented. We as humans can very often see the world through optimism and our own desires, leaving us in the dark to the harsh reality of the situation. It is not until after the situation has come to a close with a break-up or a dissolve in friendship that we start putting together the pieces and wonder why we didn’t see it before. It is not until those rose colored glasses come off can we see all the pain and suffering we were allowing ourselves to be in while in a facade. Then, it is all so clear and we are disappointed in ourselves for not seeing it sooner, not listening to our friend who was just trying to help, or wondering where our intuition was all along.

Everyone has experienced some level of trauma that has shaped their lives and how they view the world. Whether it is bullying at school, family disfunction, drug or sexual abuse, war etc. we have all been through something that has caused us to see our reality differently. Trauma shapes our views of the world without us even knowing it. You could say we wear trauma colored glasses, glasses that enable us to see reality through only our own personal experience, outside the realm of truth. Our subconscious believes these glasses save us from experiencing hardship and pain again, but in reality they stunt us from growth and oftentimes deny us happiness. 

There have been many times in my life where I can now look back and see that an entire situation was caused by my trauma. Now that I have processed many of my hardships, those trauma glasses have come off and I can see those experiences with such clarity, clarity that I did not possess at the time. I see how my issues with feeling unworthy and unlovable shaped many arguments with friends and family, or created my lack of boundaries that left me vulnerable. I now know that I was not as strong and that I allowed myself to be taken advantage of. It is all crystal clear now after working through my hurt, but at the time I would have been confidently saying I was making the right decision or that the decision was very logical. When in reality it was logical for a hurting heart, but not to an unbiased heart. How often do we as humans experience these situations where we feel confident in the outcome and how we handled it, but in reality we really were not seeing the full picture?

In heated moments I have found it helpful for me to take a step back and ask myself why I feel the way I feel, where is it coming from, did they really wrong me or am I extra charged because I am being triggered? These are all important questions to ask ourselves in these moments, especially when we value the person we are disagreeing with. It is important to hold a mirror up to ourselves and examine our emotions and feelings to allow self reflection, understanding and growth.

I have often found forgiveness from the people I was disagreeing with when I take accountability, but this is not always the outcome. There have been people who have held me to the flame and did not accept my apology even after explaining my trauma associated with the situation. Those were the hardest outcomes, because I recognized where my reaction was coming from, yet the person could not understand, forgive me and move on. I was left alone, more traumatized and hurt.

Knowing the pain that comes with an ending like this, I try my best to offer kindness and understanding to those I am having a hardship with while still keeping my boundaries. If I am reacting from a place of trauma, it is very likely the person I am having an argument with is, as well. I try to think where their discomfort or anger might be coming from, what is triggering it and give them the courtesy that I was not always allowed. I do understand some people are toxic and do not deserve this courtesy, however no one is perfect, we all make mistakes, and if you truly know the person’s heart then giving them grace through a hard time is the ultimate form of kindness.

If we take responsibility for our reactions and how we handle a situation and challenge ourselves to change, we can become more fulfilled people. We can become people who are not ruled by our past experience, letting our trauma take the driver’s seat, but actually be in control of our own emotions and drive our own life. We can take off those trauma colored glasses that have misguided us for so long. We can be set free from the chains that hold us, bound us to pain and suffering and fly free towards peace. We can truly be happy. I hope each and everyone of you finds true peace and happiness because you deserve it! God bless!