Surviving Postpartum Depression

• 

After having my child in January 2018, I developed postpartum depression and anxiety. Right after my son was born I was fueled by the adrenaline of giving birth and the excitement of my newborn. However, it did take a few days to feel that attachment to my son which made me feel shameful. It was all so new and I didnt know how to handle this new responsibility. This should have been my first clue to what was to come but my body was so tired I was not in a thinking mood. 

A few weeks after my son’s birth I started to feel it, the extreme depression and anxiety. My husband being disabled had a hard time helping. I felt my home and my whole child’s wellbeing was only in my hands. I started to develop irrational fears and thoughts. I was constantly worrying my child was going to die, not be fed enough, or needed me. Anything you can think of popped in my head at this time. It was doomsday, everyday. Anytime something negative did happen I would obsess about it, feel so much shame and degrade myself for being a horrible mother. One of these moments was when I realized my body did not produce enough milk. Having to go on formula was such a big defeat, so disappointing.  

I can honestly say postpartum was the hardest mental challenge I have ever gone through. I felt at the bottom of the bottom. I have this beautiful child that I am so thankful for and I feel like dying, how could this be so? It is the most horrible feeling. As a mother you should be happy and thankful, not miserable and afraid. How our body can make us feel so miserable at a time that is truly more amazing than anything else is so disheartening. The mind can truly play some nasty tricks on us! 

I think one of the main hardships with mental illness, like postpartum, for so many women is that we do not communicate with each other for fear we will be judged. We think we need to be better, we need to prove to others we are worthy of being a mom, that we can manage all on our own, that we are perfect. It is ok to know we cannot always take care of everything. It is okay for us to need help or even be sad during a time that everyone thinks is so wonderful. It is easy to say this after the fact, but when you are stuck in this mental trap it is so difficult to come to terms with it.

I remember so well a moment that shook me. My child was sleeping, my husband who is disabled was in the living room and I was in the kitchen cooking. Stirring the spoon felt harder than running a marathon. I felt each stir was slowly killing me. I kept feeling this need to drop to the floor, curl up in a ball and cry. Big ugly crying, but I was numb, broken and hurting. I took a moment to stare out my kitchen window and thought “I could just die right now and what would anyone care?”. I quickly went against this theory but the idea of death didn’t phase me. The only thing pulling me through was my son. My husband came into the kitchen and asked if I was ok. This was the first time I felt anyone actually saw me, saw my hurt and my pain I was trying so desperately to hide. I started crying immediately, the numbness broke for a moment. We hugged in front of my pasta sauce and I didnt know how to express how I was feeling. As someone who has dealt with trauma but overall is a very sunny person, it was hard to explain I was dying inside. 

I finally came to terms that I needed some kind of help. No longer did I want to feel an absence of feeling and I wanted to be able to enjoy my child’s babiness. I didn’t have health insurance for 7 months, I had to power through those months on my own until I could have an appointment with a psychologist for medication. 

While I waited I tried my best to do what I could to survive, this I was accustomed to from my abusive childhood. It is one of the hardest things for me to ask for help. My whole life I was trained to not be a burden, to do what I needed to do to satisfy other people’s wants and needs, and to only rely on myself because everyone else will never have my best interest or be able to be there for me. Unfortunately, so often this has been proven true. I asked many for help and often I was let down, and misunderstood. I truly needed to stand on my own. I needed a higher power, but it felt impossible to call God for help. I felt so heartbroken and alone.

The time came where I was able to have insurance and meet with a doctor. He prescribed me Prozac, something I never ever thought I would be on. It did help me for the time being and I was able to bounce back to being a happier mother. After about 6 months I decided to start lowering my dose to only one pill a week to keep the withdrawals at bay. When I finally decided to stop taking it, the withdrawals were very hard to deal with. Emotionally I was up and down, had moments of numbness/tingles in my body along with electric zaps that were truly unsettling. This lasted about 2 months where I constantly had to reassure myself I wasn’t crazy and it would subside. I can say now I have been off of them for 2 years and I have been able to handle my everyday life and I have such a beautiful relationship with my son. I am closer to God than I have ever been and I feel so blessed. 

If you have experienced postpartum or are experiencing it now, you are not alone! You are a beautiful warrior and a wonderful mother! Your child needs their mommy and you have been chosen for your child by God. You deserve happiness and support. There is help for you and it will not last forever. Please comment and share your experience below!

Please visit if you are dealing with postpartum and you need help! https://www.postpartum.net/